etiquette over reason
I've reading a book called watching the english and it has some interesting anthropological observations.
The last chapter I read was on female and male bonding rituals. The crux of it was that women bond with counter-compliments and men bond with never ending mine's better than yours banter. One of the comments on female behaviour interested me.
Firstly let me explain the counter-compliment ritual if you can't already guess.
For example:
I can't go on because I'm not a girl so I really know how these things work, but that's basically that's the deal. The thing I find interesting is the response of when women were questioned as to what they would think if this pattern wasn't observed (it wasn't phrased as bluntly as that). If an english woman (I don't think I can comment on different nationalities - women are too complex) accepts a compliment, without qualification, and didn't offer one in return they are perceived to be impolite, unfriendly and arrogant.
In conclusion, a woman who doesn't belittle herself is boasting. Women are indeed complicated animals.
The last chapter I read was on female and male bonding rituals. The crux of it was that women bond with counter-compliments and men bond with never ending mine's better than yours banter. One of the comments on female behaviour interested me.
Firstly let me explain the counter-compliment ritual if you can't already guess.
- compliment
- self deprecating comment, counter compliment
- self deprecating comment, counter compliment
- ...
For example:
- Hi. Wow, your hair looks lovely today!
- Thanks, but being this length means it takes hours to prepare it. It must be wonderful having hair your length.
- I suppose that's true, but my hair is so thick and wiry - yours is beautifully fine
I can't go on because I'm not a girl so I really know how these things work, but that's basically that's the deal. The thing I find interesting is the response of when women were questioned as to what they would think if this pattern wasn't observed (it wasn't phrased as bluntly as that). If an english woman (I don't think I can comment on different nationalities - women are too complex) accepts a compliment, without qualification, and didn't offer one in return they are perceived to be impolite, unfriendly and arrogant.
In conclusion, a woman who doesn't belittle herself is boasting. Women are indeed complicated animals.
posted by nj at
08:35
4 Comments:
And that's just woman-to-woman smalltalk ...
although to be fair the working/middle-class girls at work have a quite admirable bluntness about them.
By
Anonymous, at 12:03 pm
I'm glad we girls have an admirable bluntness about us, rather than being admirably blunt.
Thesaurus.com's definition of bluntness is honesty & truthfulness.
However it's definition of blunt is dull!
By
Anonymous, at 1:49 pm
King Kongs Finger
I think the idea of depreciating ones of complements is a highly admirable quality. It shows that we uncomfortable with admiration, this may not sound a desirable characteristic however when you see people who are at ease with their own brilliance the term Ass Logger tends to present itself
By
Anonymous, at 3:02 pm
I think that you should accept compliments that you believe to be true, but someone recognising that you are good at something should affect you the same way that a neutral comment does. Your abilities were bequeathed to you either from your parents, or from the society you keep, or if you worked for them they came from character traits that were formed mainly by outside forces. They are not things to be praised for in the same way that there's no point in praising someone for having legs.
What can be praiseworthy is the way that you use your abilities.
Pretending you don't have an ability that you really do is deceit and may just be an attempt to evade the responsibility to use it well.
I think that too few people remember that what makes a person worth something is not what they can and can't do. Being in the top 2% of the population matters nothing. Seek an absolute scale to measure things on.
By
Anonymous, at 3:00 pm
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